Monday 8 March 2010

'A week in the life of...The Python Cartel'

‘A week in the life of…The Python Cartel’

Corp Name/Ticker; The Python Cartel (GROP3)
Current CEO; Spectre3353
Directors; Spectre3353 & Golden Helmet
Home System; Old Man Star
Description; A pirate corp set out to have fun and talk a lot about penis.
Alliance; The Jerk Cartel
Recruitment Status; Open
Recruitment Contact; Spectre3353, Golden Helmet, Lachesis VII, Lars Lodar
Additional Info; Spectre would say this is the best corp ever, they rule, are extremely good looking with huge phalluses and everyone else should sit in belts afk so they can kill their faces.


After making contact with Spectre we agreed my first day with the Pythons should be Thursday 25th February. This date was to have a scheduled op; part 2 in the ADF series. I read Spectres first post on the first ADF adventure and laughed my ass off. A good day to come along for a bit of work experience I figured…

After getting details of their vent server and logging in I was greeted with the following message; ‘Welcome to the Jerk Cartel, we love penis’. The Jerks love of penis has been rumoured about before, but I can assure you it’s true.

The first words in there communication channels usually start with ‘PENIS!’ Generally any conversation will involve or revolve around genitalia and all the fun chit chats makes it surprising how well organised these actually guys are.

Much to my liking the op started on time with Spectre calling for all ADF Officers to undock our ECM heavy fleet in Old Man Star. I had expected to see some cheap ECM cruisers at the undock point of the Quafe station but when a 10 man strong fleet filled my overview I had to do a quick retake; Scorpion?! Wowser, surely this is a one way trip? I was surprised to see someone putting a ship of reasonable value on the line. The fleet comprised of 1 Griffin, 1 Celestis, 1 Scorpion and 7 Blackbirds, later joined by a Federation Navy Comet (just because it looks like it’s got a flashy light on its roof).

(I shall not bore you with too many details of our little excursion as Spectre’s tale of events is pretty accurate)

Every system where acts of aggression were found would find the following stuff in local;
Spectre3353 > By order of the Amamake Defense Force, we request full compliance from all pilots in system
Spectre3353 > Halt! In conjunction with The Amamake Peace Accord of 58177 we, the Amamake Defense Force, demand that you cease your aggressions and retreat from the field of battle immediately!

Compliance was greeted with;
Spectre3353 > Thank you for your complience.
Golden Helmet > Thank you for your cooperation, citizen
Golden Helmet > If all citizens were like you, New Eden would be a much safer place for us all

Non compliance simply meant any aggressor got 40 ECM modules trained on him/her. In small numbers of aggressors this was extremely effective and the local chat response made it worth its weight in gold. Some pilots played along but most just spammed local with abuse.

At the Bastards we have a (fairly) strict ‘no chat in local’ policy so I was hesitant at first but joined in here or there.

After flying and ‘securing’ various systems in the region the final destination was set; ‘Tama’. I used to reside around these parts and god it’s a hell hole…

The fleet warped in to the top belt at range and waited. Some complete retards in local were amusing to toy with for a while. The Jerks have a great sense of humour and all the abuse flung at our fleet got laughed about and witty responses returned.

Before long a few would-be-aggressors got chased off until a sizable fleet warped in at various ranges. Warp-scrambled and my overview filling up so fast I could find the right target to jam I went down in flames.

The end of my career as an ADF officer and the end of my op. The difference in time zones forced me to log for the night as I parked up in a local station and get some sleep…


Day two and Spectre briefly logged on to give me access to the most used comm. Channel for the Pythons. Great as a roam was scheduled to leave not long after.

As the clock struck 1:30am the channel filled up nicely. The following is a brief and fairly standard chat with the Pythons;

Golden Helmet > we have things up our arses, but they're often big, black, and ridged
Nashh Kadavr > nice my fave!
Golden Helmet > i apologize in advance for our two kaz's
Nashh Kadavr > circumferance?
Golden Helmet > we got complaints that we weren't equal opportunity employers, so we hired two retards to fill our quota
Nashh Kadavr > i see
Nashh Kadavr > any gays?
Golden Helmet > we also have a contingent of stoners, since High Times magazine complained about us all being sober
Golden Helmet > we're all homo. we need straight people so the non-gay magazines will stop complaining
Nashh Kadavr > righto
Nashh Kadavr > /emote makes notes...
Golden Helmet > and we have a large portion of alcoholics too
Apoctasy > then we beter start recruting straight people
uwai223 > an stoners
kazz djinn > lol
IEATCRAYONS > the most said word by our corp would have to be "penis"
kazz djinn > hey gh can i tend to the rabbits now
Golden Helmet > so we're 1\3 gay stoner, 1\3 gay retard, 1\3 gay drunks, and 1\3 gay and bad at math
Nashh Kadavr > would you say there is a minimum iq requirement for this corp?
HAUL 5000 > 60.
Apoctasy > and 1/3 multiple categories
Fred Neiman > and i'm a miner!
Golden Helmet > if you can identify the difference between a shoe and the sky, your in
Golden Helmet > brb
Nashh Kadavr > whats a shoe?
HAUL 5000 > Apoctasy is in the catogory of gay and bad at math fyi

The scheduled op was to start at 2:00am and left on time yet again, very impressive. By now I had had a few beers and settled in on the sofa.

Golden Helmet was the fleet commander and did a brilliant job too, scoring the fleet some nice T2 cruiser kills. I was only able to participate on one of them as after my first kill I had to safe up due to an aggression timer. The Pythons are at war with some guys around here and are scoring some lucrative kills on them.

Mynxee showed up in local and it was nice to speak to her briefly before moving on again.

About 25 jumps around the local area got a few more kills under our belt but when a mission-ing Drake was probed out and promptly tackled a request for his ship was promptly answered with the pilot ejecting.

I finally logged of at 4:15am absolutely knackered and half asleep. It’s nice to be in a fleet that can bring decent numbers instead of running away all the time. I was also somewhat surprised to see the value of ships taken out on this roam; the majority of ships where Tech 2 Cruisers.


Day three saw another late night roam (for me) under Golden Helmets lead. Some great kills along the route. The fleet was fairly well organized and the ship types again mainly consisted of T2 cruisers.

I only mention it as the Bastard roams are a little more Frigate or Battle Cruiser orientated, some Stealth-Bombers roams perhaps but T2 cruisers are referred to as shiny’s and valued highly and rarely put on the line.

I spend the duration of the roam chatting to Trazis, a pilot that tapped me up some 5 months ago regarding a 1 vs 1. We had intended to catch up for a fight ever since but never got around to it. Along the route I suggested he joined the roam with GH’s permission and fight a little later.

Trazis joined the fleet around the Tama area and with my night coming to an end the time arrived for our duel. Still under GCC timers I docked to repair my overheating damage from a previous fight.

Undocking with GCC made station guns pewpew my shield and a touch of armor but I felt very confident. We agreed to have our fight in front of the Python fleet and GH would be our warp-in point. Bets were taken and it appeared my Vexor was to be the favorite, great, more pressure…

With my shields recharged I signaled I was ready and initiated warp. Trazis fielded a Maller, the same ship 00Sage00 killed me in some time ago.

Our shields vanished within mere seconds. Beer made my confidence grow in my new Vexor fit and I let rip my guns, overheating them before I even launched my drones. Beer made me miss-click my heavy damage drones. Instead I launched 3 Warriors and two Hammerheads.

I realized my mistake and pulled the Warriors and released two Ogre’s and a Hobgoblin. Our armor steadily decreased in equal measures and it dawned on me I should take out his drones rather than concentrate on his hull. Right, good idea, switch off guns, retarget drones, fire guns…fire guns? Wtf? Beer made me burn out my guns.

There was nothing left to do but watch our ships slowly drop armor, bit by bit, it sure was going to be a close one now… our hulls peered through as the last bit of armor escaped us both at the same time. Crossing my fingers I hoped for a wrecking blow to save my day...

Alas, it was not to be, my remaining structure expanded into the vacuum, vomiting out my pod in the process. Trazis got out with a mere 26% hull still protecting his fragile egg. Too many mistakes on my part but nevertheless a great win for Trazis.

Slightly ashamed to be pummeled in front of the Pythons I retired into the nearest station and called it a night…


Day four to six were mainly spent talking to some of the peeps in the Alliance Comm channel. I did spend some time in space with some the pilots but I kept it local as I couldn’t face another late op. Well I could but the RL repercussions (wife-aggro) made it difficult to justify.

LEE118, an ex Bastard recruit has been accepted into the Pythons for a trial period. It was nice to catch up with him and he appears to be having fun.

Another familiar face was Gorgoleon, an ex-Bastard of epic proportion. It’s nice to see he has found himself a good home and he has fitted right in with his banter.

00Sage00 has also taken up residency in Old Man Star recently and joined the Python ranks. He has spend some time with the Tuskers before making his move here and it was interesting to hear about the difference between the two.

One of the longer standing members of the corp Apoctasy explained that the old core of the corp was still there. He himself has left the game and come back, remaining with the Pythons. He explained that over time the corp had grown steadily in number, are more organized and have more roams on the go.

Spectre himself was logged in at a more Euro suitable time and was chasing some ships around OMS. I asked to join him and tried to keep up with him for the next 30 minutes. I say tried to keep up as I didn’t actually manage to do so, he scored some sweet frigate kills, with me exiting warp just after he squeezed out some tears.

I did participate in a Drake kill, rather brave of the participants as you can see on the killmail its Russian owned. We didn’t get blobbed even though it took a long time to take him down.


Closing statement;

I have really enjoyed my time at the Python Cartel, so much so I have left 3 fully equipped and rigged ships in Old Man Star may the opportunity arise to fly with them again.

The corp-chats are filled with penis related conversations, and smack talk in local is deemed absolutely fine. The guys are rude and crude but extremely witty and clearly intelligent. Their responses quick and calculated had me in stitches for the duration of my time here.

All this joking around would lead one to be believe these jokers are badly organized but to my surprise the arranged ops left on time and the fleets were well led. Although the fleets usually are not scheduled to leave until 2am Evetime.

Many high profile events are organized from within the Python Cartel, ADF and Hulkageddon to name but a few, doing their thing and leaving their mark.

The amount of shiny ships the pilots are willing to risk surprised me a little but have given me reason to pull out my T2 cruisers from under the dust sheets and actually fly them.

There are plenty of highly skilled pilots (some more reserved, some more balls out) within their ranks and they should be feared indeed.

Remember may you wish to apply contact Spectre3353, Golden Helmet, Lachesis VII or Lars Lodar in game.

(or if you want to join the really cool guys apply at the Bastards)


  1. Excellent read. Glad you enjoyed your time with us.



  2. Don't listen to him, people! We're way cooler than the Bastards, we have an ASCII penis in our alliance description. That's infinite coolpoints write there.

    Great writeup though, I've always wondered how we look from the outside. Be sure to head back over sometime for some fun, you know when our ops usually start :)


  3. Confirming that Python is teh 1337s. And definitely come fly with us more. :D

  4. Great read nash. Enjoyed having you with us and we really don't mention penis that much. Wait. Yea we do, but its all about the fun!
    Why play a video game if your not having FUN!!

  5. Awesome read. You are indeed welcome to come fly with us any time.

    Regarding our prolific use of T2 shineys, it isn't because we are all rich. Most of us cannot afford to lose the ships at all but we fly them anyway because fighting and killing and (hopefully) not-dying is more fun when shit is on the line.

    Also (forgot if you were present or not), flying in a gang with 3 Curses brings a whole lot of epic whine from local >:)

    Oh, and PENIS.

  6. FAIL EDIT: To further elaborate, in that duel you had with Trazis (whom I bet on btw), people were throwing around MASSIVE BETS in excess of 5 MILLION ISK. (or if you're well of like me, 10 MILLION!!11)

  7. Thanks for your kind words guys!

    Apoligies to all that lost money on that bet...

    (/me checks wallet...sweet...)


    Nice read mate, make sure to come back and visit.


  9. Love it. Make is a regular series Nashh.

  10. What no one mentioned to you Nashh is that one of the python guys is actually a porn model.

  11. Penis to you too Helicity!

    Shame I didnt get to meet you but perhaps we will if you agree to a Celebrity Death Match!

  12. Was a great fight mate, really got a kick out of reading about it, I feel like a celebrity :)

    Also roaming with the pythons afterwards was fun confirmed they are great pilots.... but GH isn't the best ransomer it would seem, as he let a faction fit nighthawk go for 1 or 200m if I recall properly

  13. Ps If you plan on making this a series, and want a taste of the null-sec life you are more then welcome to fly with UNEW

    Ps Big thanks to Specter for enlightening me to the awesomeness of a cynabal its now my primary and favorite ship :)

  14. Greetings and Penis!

    come back and fly with us again some time. great artical too.

  15. Wish I had been there so I could become e-famous!

    Good write-up mate.

    Obligatory PENIS comment now.

  16. lol. i'll be back that way some point soon...